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18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have
1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her . . . along with breakfast in bed.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine.
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
7. An unstamped passport.
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.
16. A secret handshake.
17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop . . . "
Read more: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/th...#ixzz1h1cEFhRl
2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her . . . along with breakfast in bed.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine.
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
7. An unstamped passport.
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.
16. A secret handshake.
17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop . . . "
Read more: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/th...#ixzz1h1cEFhRl
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