The lighter side (jokes)

[Tomtall]

Cabin fever has set in. Been getting some good jokes from e-mail friends.

Share your jokes here to take a break from all the serious threads and have some laughs.

Please keep them clean.


A story of gifts and their uses., Enjoy

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
And lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
Dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
Mother who lived far away in another city..

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
House."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
She can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the
Entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge
To contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was
Worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will
Recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her
Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one
Room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
Delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
Hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm
Nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
Little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, MAMA

[racer121M]

That was GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

[ricochet112]

Blondes

Blondes

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[ricochet112]

To be 6 again!!

To be 6 again!!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday
was not far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky
Charms, and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day! He put her on
every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,
everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the
theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her
to a McDonald's where he ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda
pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What
a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like
being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Tomtall]

An elderly man on a Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,


"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

[Tomtall]

Being married awhile

Being married awhile after being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched

a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl."

now i have a $1,500,000 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but

i'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your

side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old

girl and she would make sure that i would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.


Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises. Yep

[runabout333]

Bill and Bob were out golfing..
Bill said, " I got a new set of irons for my wife."

Bob said, "Good trade."

[STEVE FRENCH]

Not a joke....but I bet......... you'll.....grin!

http://forums.azbilliards.com/showthread.php?p=2073553

Note; Go to top of thread to see begin'n of thread ...........and pics!!!!

[G Stillwill]

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)








"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[G Stillwill]

The Porch

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the
Summer, decided to hire herself out
As a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
Neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
If he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything
She would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does
She realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to Believe
All those dumb blonde jokes.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave
It two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
It to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[ricochet112]

Charlie Sheen

[Tomtall]

For you golfers out there

You have to be a golfer to really appreciate this one.

> He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."
>
>
> 1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
>
>
> We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door making love to each other. And that is why I am so late getting home.
>
> His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't lie to me; you played 36 holes, didn't you?"
>

[Tomtall]

life and death

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[G Stillwill]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual
check-up...




The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'


The doctor considered his question f or a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'


The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

[Tomtall]

Confucius DID NOT say ......

> CONFUCIUS did NOT say.....

> Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

> Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

> Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

> Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

> Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

> Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

> Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

> War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

> It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

> Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

> Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


> Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY.....
> "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"