Aircraft Maintenance Requests

[Mrs blueskyracer]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident

These are some of the best examples of the exchanges between the pilots and the ground crews............





P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: We have ordered frresh supplies of live bugs for the wind shield



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.





And the best one for last..................















P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.



S: Took hammer away from midget.

[oldracer]

Maintenance reports

Sounds like something we did years ago in the Air Force.

[Richard Russo]

Remember...

A pilot without a mechanic is just a pedestrian in a leather jacket and cool sunglasses.

[bill boyes]

Well, As a Retired Aircraft Maintenance Manager for a Major Airline this is good reading and a good laugh. However, not very professional. I once had a mechanic that worked for me that made a entry into the Aircraft Logbook that was similar in nature. The FAA in doing an Logbook audit brought it to my attention. The FAA wanted to suspend his Mechanics Certificate. I held a discharge hearing and gave him five days off without pay as disciplinary.
Needless to say this is good for a laugh but really does not happen in the industry.

[B Walker]

I first saw this list 25+ years ago when I was in the Navy and it was attributed to Navy and Marines Gripe Sheets at that time. (See 3rd from last item, no Quantas aircraft or any other civilian aircraft has a targeting radar)

You could get away with entries like this in the military, but never in civilian aviation.

Still funny though, ty

BW

[John Howe]

Hydro driver after a heat, talking to his mechanic: "The steering seems to be kinda loose and sloppy."

Mechanic: "Hmmm,.... maybe there`s a loose nut behind the steering wheel."

[Mrs blueskyracer]

Some days we just all need to have a giggle about something.

[Raymond]

Mrs. Blueskyracer, to your most recent post; so very true! Humor relieves stresses in our lives. Thank you.

John Howe, nicely said; I like your wit.

Brad Walker, as a 26 year military aviation vet myself, I concur. I have also seen the non cliffsnotes version of this list firsthand (one at a time) and they can be truly…..remarkable.

Bill Boyles, yes, your right; the responses are not very professional (nor acceptable) but then again, neither are the write ups. You can’t deny that the write-ups get written up JUST like that from time to time. That reality is exactly what makes this list so very funny to me at least. It is the mythic mechanics imaginative response while he is virtually saying “HERES YOUR SIGN” to gripe initiator

For those of you that don’t know what I mean by ‘here’s your sign’, please Google the comedian Bill Engvall; it is his signature punch line

For those of you that don’t see the humor in any of this; sorry. Maybe you just ‘have to be there’ in the maintenance/operations environment to understand.

Wow! I am awful chatty today aren’t I?

Raymond

[ram95]

Problems? Opportunities to excell!

Since we're just jabbering here... 23years ago when I retired from the Air Force (22yrs served, thank you) I ran the Propulsion Branch at Travis AFB. We had C5 Galaxy's there. We were graded upon our "on time" departure rate. Promotions or the lack thereof were affected heavily by it. So, when a C5, scheculed for a 'hard mission' (ie one that really counted) began to 'die in the chocks' as we called it, due to some freaking mechanical malfunction or erroneous warning system indication, we didn't have a problem per se.... NO NO NO... we had AN OPPORTUNITY TO EXCELL.... We had an opportunity to show our stuff.. to fix the bird in time for it to make its scheduled take-off. At Travis, my troops held the record for a C5 engine change - just under an hour - the bird got off "on time". Every time the green flag goes up, it reminds me of those freaking "on time take-offs" and departure reliability rates (which, I might add got my butt promoted).

And, yes... I have read less than helpful pilot 'write-ups' AND cute responses by mechanics in the AFTO Form 781 (discrepancy record), but I also know that pilot discrepancies were not taken lightly, and repeat discrepancies were likewise a matter of even more concern.

So, I kinda look at problems as "opportunities"............sometmes!

Alex

[Flint54]

Being Retired from 21 years in US Coast Guard Aviation I too have seen many funny/un-intentional write ups. Most were a qualified gripe but the wording did not explain the actual problem.

One I will always remember was "On first landing of training flight landed with gear up and handle up , remainder of flight no problems noted, total landings after first gear up 7. Check for damage." After the aircraft was checked the junior mech wrote - " Inspected a/c, no damage noted, verified operation of gear wnl, verify pilots landing check list next flight for proper procedures."

This was an HH-52 helicopter that the gear when retracted still extends out from the sponsons for @ 18" so the aircraft will not touch the ground even with the gear retracted.

[ram95]

That sure beats any of my stories. Good one! Freaking heliocopiters